For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky
by letodian-peony
Summary: He had everything, but let it go, and now he is stuck in a limbo of his emotions that is dragging him down. Will he be able to pull himself back up, or will someone else force him down?


_For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched The Sky_

**AN:** Timeline starts at the end of the new movie, and continues through into what would be considered the timeline of the original series, however, with the characterization of those from the newest film, i.e. it's in the alternate universe.

**Warnings:** Language, Hint at sex, Slash (K/S)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own rights to the characters contained therein this work of fiction, nor do I make a profit.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"What the Hell's the matter with you, Jim? You've been acting less…" Bones paused a second to attempt a word that wouldn't be so harsh. He couldn't find a better word. "…less _obnoxious_ than usual. As much as I don't miss the cocky attitude, a lot of the crew have noticed the difference. It's got people uneasy."

"Thanks." Jim said, absentmindedly. He hadn't really heard what his good friend had said. He continued to start blankly ahead at the viewer, nothing but black and stars stretching out farther and farther into nothing. He felt lost staring out into space, but he didn't have anywhere to look.

"Jim! Where the hell are you?" Bones exclaimed, trying to tear his best friend's attention from the screen. "This is getting stupid!" He fell silent. "Are you _drunk_?" Bones asked, coming to one of the only logical, damn that word, conclusions he could come up with, short of accusing him of being on drugs, which he _knew_ was impossible.

"What? No. Why?" Jim asked, finally entering the conversation. "I'm fine. Just a little tired. You _have_ to be able to understand that." He looked at Bones accusingly, hoping that would end the conversation. Damn Bones for being as stubborn as he was.

"Yeah, I can tell you that you still have a ring of bruises on that neck of yours from that elf, plus a few other injuries, damn you for provoking him Jim. And it's barely been weeks since you saved the planet, but Jesus, Jim, you almost seem dead. You'd think this place would be more lively now that the green-blooded hobgoblin jumped ship, but it's the damned opposite!" Bones said in a rush. He was so consumed with trying to get through to Jim that he didn't see the slight flinch that came in response to the mention of his First Officer. The mention of who _used to be_ his First Officer, now M.I.A. on some colony too far away in the wrong direction.

He realized that he was out of character. He wasn't involved in his usual activities of skirt-chasing and general brash devil-may-care attitude to bend reality to his liking, and it was only a matter of time before _someone_ took it upon themselves to kick him in the ass about it. He knew it would end up being Bones, since no one but his Chief Medical Officer had the balls to call the captain of the _Enterprise_ "stupid" or yell at him the way Bones did. He was inwardly grateful to him for it.

"Are you okay, Jim?" Bones asked, his voice softening a bit.

"It's just stress, Bones. Everything that happened just happened so fast. It's all catching up to me. I'll be fine."

"Do you need to see the counselor?"

"God, no. I don't need someone asking me stupid questions. That's what I have you for." Jim joked, his usual smile on his face, although it held half as much emotion as it usually did.

"There you are!" Bones exclaimed, hitting his friend in the shoulder, part out of revenge for the statement. "Good to see the old you. It's been a while."

"You're going to regret that statement." Jim laughed.

"I think I already am." His friend shot back in return. It felt better to joke with his friend, but it didn't take away from that lost, sinking feeling he felt as they drifted farther in space from the colony they left barely days ago. "I need to get going. Can't spend my entire day on the bridge. I'll catch you later, Jim." Jim nodded to his friend before the doctor entered the turbolift, heading back down to sickbay.

Taking his seat, his eyes drifted back to the screen. He could finally understand why space was always described as "soul-sucking." He smiled inwardly at himself. He was split between this sense of longing absentness and confusion of those very feelings. He wasn't sure what exactly he was going through, and that made him angry, made him feel vulnerable.

"Captain, I have a message from Dr. Crater. It seems pretty angry." Uhura stated, turning around in her seat to face Jim.

"Put him through." Jim said absently, knowing what the man would say.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Aye, Captain. Everything is in right order. Again." Scotty said, his jovial attitude not really showing the slight confusion and frustration he was feeling. "About how many more times are you going to ask me about the same thing?" He asked, laughter in his voice at the shocked look on Jim's face.

"Sorry, Scotty. I guess I'm not all here." Jim replied with a smile.

"S'Alright Captain. A lot's been going on. I still can't believe it was just a few weeks ago that we… _you_… saved an _entire_ planet." Jim sighed a little. He remembered the event; he was becoming tired of hearing of it. "Excuse me, Captain, you've probably heard this quite a few times already!" Scotty interrupted himself, laughing. "In any case, everything down here is working perfectly. Is there anything else you're lookin' for, Captain? A drink, perhaps?"

"I'll hold you to that one, Scotty. I'm still on duty, but I'll come and find you later." Jim laughed, nudging his friend, before leaving engineering.

He needed somewhere to go, something to do. Something to take his mind off of everything that had been his focus for the past weeks, everything that kept him up all night with nightmares and guilt, feelings that he wanted to move past, but was unsure how to go about it. There were many things left unsaid, and now they hung above him as a constant reminder of what should have been. What he wanted them to be ever since that moment on Delta Vega. But he had no choice. The five-year mission had begun, and he knew he couldn't go back, but god, he couldn't wait _five years_ either.

He was stuck.

Damn.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Captain, I have a message from Starfleet, regarding Dr. Crater, sir." Uhura reported as he walked into the bridge. She was so formal, and it bothered him a little bit. There was an edge in her voice, slight accusation, but for what, he couldn't be quite sure.

The last time he saw a soft expression on her face was that day she gave his former First Officer a kiss good-bye. Neither she, nor Jim would ever have guessed the good-bye would be indefinite. Neither one could have guessed that after shore leave was over, they would come face to face with a resignation form with the First Officer's name on it, no clear reason why he wasn't coming back.

In his moment of reflection, Jim found that some time after that letter arrived to him, he had made it taboo within himself to say _his_ name.

"Captain?" Uhura stated again, a certain hardness in her voice. Jim briefly wondered if the Uhura Spock Prime knew was like her.

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant Uhura. You were saying?" He asked, looking over her shoulder.

"There's a message from Command, sir, about M-113." She stated. "Dr. Crater has put in specific requests for…"

Jim was sure Uhura hadn't stopped talking, but he was tired, and could barely hear her for being ready to pass out. He nodded curtly and gave Sulu the conn before entering the turbolift straight to sickbay.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Jim, what are you doing down here?" A once over and the good doctor answered his own question. "You look like hell."

"Duly noted, Bones." Jim said.

"You look worse than yesterday. Have you been sleeping?"

"No." Jim answered honestly. Bones analyzed him, finding nothing wrong, he sat behind his desk, Jim seated in front, and leaned forward.

"You're perfectly healthy, Jim. Whatever's got you up at night is in your head. I really think you should see-"

"Perfect idea, Bones," Jim snapped, knowing where his friend was going. "Let's have the captain of the _Enterprise_ go to counseling! I know everyone is still hesitant to see me as their captain, I can tell in the walk they look at me, or talk to me. Bones, I don't need to give them another reason to find me unfit for this position."

Jim truly was a little self-conscious about the _Enterprise_. He always felt disapproving eyes, or concern, and although some of the people he saw daily on the bridge were softening to him, he could tell they were still hesitant to accept them as their captain, and many were still concerned about the unexpected lost of Spock.

Jim felt nauseated thinking about _him_, the first time he had said the name in weeks. He leaned forward in his chair, absolutely certain he was going to be sick.

"Jim? What's the matter?" His friend asked, nearly jumping over the table to get to him. "What is going on in that head of yours?" He asked.

"It's _him_, Bones. It's always been about _him_." Jim mumbled. It felt like everything inside him was twisting, twisting in guilt and anger.

"Who, Jim? What on Earth are you talking about?" Bones sounded frustrated, but not at Jim. He was frustrated with himself, that he was lost and unable to do anything, that he hadn't gotten to Jim sooner with his concerns.

"And it's too late, and I can't do anything." Jim felt like he was falling away from the world. Everything felt distant and far away. Everything except the pain twisting him inside. He was vaguely aware of Bones shaking him, yelling something incoherent, but it was too far away and intangible.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Jim?" The familiar voice of his chief medical officer rang in his ears, reverberated through him, as if everything inside was hollow.

Opening his eyes, he was surprised to see more than one set of eyes looking back at him. Scotty was there, and… Uhura. That shocked him. She whispered something to Bones, something he couldn't hear, and the doctor nodded. Scotty and Bones shared a look and walked out, leaving him alone with Uhura. Inside him, he was filled with curiosity and concern.

His head ached, and he tried to sit up, but caught a stern look in the communication officer's eyes.

"I promised McCoy that I would make sure you didn't hurt yourself, so don't move, I don't want to have to get him." She threatened vaguely, leaving Jim to fill in his own grim details. He knew what Bones was capable of, mind flashing quickly back to the hypo-spray that had gotten him onto the _Enterprise_, with a strange side effect he would rather not have to face again.

He relaxed himself back against the angled bio-bed as Uhura pulled up a chair to his left side. She sighed heavily, hesitant about what she was going to say.

"I've noticed some things about you, Captain. Woman's gift." She stated with a small shrug of her delicate shoulders. She looked up and held Jim's eyes. "You've been acting strange since the start of the mission, and I noticed that you never look over to the science station on the bridge, even when _his_ replacement is talking to you." Uhura took in a deep breath. To Jim, it felt like every word hurt her as much as it hurt him. "I always blamed you for the reason Spock resigned." She stated, softened accusation in her voice. The muscles in his stomach tightened painfully at the sound of _his_ name. "I misinterpreted the emotion you had when that letter came in. It seemed as if that fact he wouldn't be here didn't affect you at all, and it infuriated me. I thought that sometime over shore leave you must have done something that was just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to say. I thought you just provoked him worse than that day on the bridge, and…" Her voice caught in her throat, and she lowered her eyes. In her silence, Jim noticed that his breathing had sped up, hitching every once in a while, the telltale sign he was on the verge of tears since he was a child. When she looked back up to him, there were tears threatening to fall from her large, dark eyes. "But I was wrong." She continued, her sorrow reflected in her voice. "I can see that there seems to be something missing from you, Captain, as if you left a part of you behind back there on that colony. You really haven't been the same. I sort of miss you bursting into the bridge with that annoyingly cocky smirk on your face, falling into the command chair, and just generally being the special brand of obnoxious that was our Captain James Tiberius Kirk. You tried to act like nothing had changed, that nothing was wrong, but we- Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, Bones and I- saw it. We know you aren't the same."

Jim felt his body trembling ever so slightly. He tried his damnedest not to show that he was about to just cry. The captain of the _Enterprise_ couldn't cry.

_James Tiberius Kirk_ couldn't cry.

"What happened?" Uhura asked softly, her voice wavering ever so slightly from the tears that choked her. "What went wrong during those few weeks? I know something happened between the two of you."

Jim couldn't find the words to respond. He was afraid to open his mouth and have only his sorrow unleash from that cage he tried to lock it in and drown him.

"I…" His voice was barely over a whisper. "It's… It _is_ my fault. I shouldn't have… I…" His thoughts were segmented as his guilt wove into him, deeper and deeper as he tried to answer, as he was being pulled in so many directions, trying to do too many things at the same time.

"What happened?" Uhura urged, not demandingly, but as… as a friend, something that took Jim by surprise. She was concerned for _him_, right now, in this moment. He sucked in another breath painfully, as his confession was like five million pounds all pushing down onto his chest, forcing his breath out, suffocating him.

"I was… _am_… in love with him." He brought his shaky hands to his face, silently letting the tears fall behind them. "I wanted to talk to him about it, but it…" He choked on a sob as the memory flooded him. Uhura placed a reassuring hand on his arm. "It was just so _wrong_… It shouldn't have happened that way. I never thought it would have… I should have acted differently, but it was just _so hard_ to say what I meant, and we got angry and…" His voice cut out. He just couldn't relive it again. "He didn't want to hear it, but I was just so _desperate_."

Uhura said nothing, she just held Jim's hand between her own, letting him cry silently.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jim returned to the bridge the next day, much to Bones' suggestion he take it easy for a while. There was no way he would be able to lay in his quarters and have all the time in the day to think. He wanted to take his mind _off_ of everything that haunted him, and there were too many memories in his room.

He looked briefly at Uhura, catching her comforting glance in return before collapsing into the command chair.

"Sulu, progress?" He asked. His voice was noticeably more husky than usual. He would never admit it, but he had cried himself to sleep last night, Uhura's words opening a part of him that just exploded from being suppressed for so long.

"We will reach M-113 in two solar days, Captain." His navigator replied, turning in his seat to address him. Jim could see the concern in Sulu's eyes when he saw the emotion etched into the faint lines surrounding Jim's eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something, but didn't, instead turning back around to his console.

Nothing happened that day to occupy his thoughts, nothing to distract him that night. No problems with engineering, no strange or usual illnesses, nothing. The messages he did receive were taken care of within the course of three hours, leaving him with another nine hours until the next shift, nine hours that scared the hell out of him.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"_What is it you want, Captain?" The voice was level, a calculated amount of effort put into keeping it so. Maybe it was in Jim's own mind, but he was sure there was something unusual about his First Officer this evening. Jim swore he saw something in the man's eyes, an _emotion_, but one he couldn't place._

"_Spock, I…"_

_Dark eyes drank him in, looking him dead in the eye, and they narrowed the tiniest bit. There was a subtle anger in the gesture, and something else, something else. What was it?_

"_Don't waste your time or mine. I know where you are going with this conversation, and the answer is no. It will always be no." _

"_What are you talking about?" Jim said, his voice rising in pitch slightly. "How can you _say_ that? How can you after everything…"_

"_Enough of this. You knew what was going to happen. In the beginning we were very clear with each other. What ever happened that made you think our agreement would change?" There was ice in those words, harsh and frigid, and it hurt more than anything else before._

"_What happened?" Jim asked, forcing himself to keep his voice somewhat level. "I fell in love. That's what happened." His pale blue eyes locked with the dark black ones of the man standing across from him. The intensity in those eyes knocked the breath out of him._

"_You were aware of the agreement." The stoic figure merely repeated._

"_God dammit, you _knew_! You knew how I felt. I know you did. Why didn't you stop it when it started? Cut me off before it became too hard for us?" Jim accused, anger mixing with sorrow inside of him._

"_There was never "us," Captain."_

"_Dammit." Jim shouted. "Don't even say that." He closed the gap between the two of them. He grabbed Spock's arms, holding tight more out of fear the man will disappear if he let go now. "You can't mean that." The strength in his voice was wavering. He was losing the battle. His voice dropped to a whisper. "You can't. What about…" _

"_Stop this. You are only hurting yourself." Spock replied emotionlessly, prying Jim's hands from his arms. Jim gasped in shock at the force Spock used to hold his wrists in place by his sides. He looked up into eyes deep and dark, he felt lost. _

"_It all meant nothing?" He rasped, his throat hoarse from the sorrow grating him from inside. The look in Spock's eyes killed him. _

_Something snapped._

_He thrashed in the restraint of his lover's hands, catching him off guard and shoving him back. There were faint bruises on his wrists, and the color hurt him. He saw the strong, lithe hands encroach on him, and he lashed out, reluctant to go out without a fight, but not sure what he was fighting for. Deep down he knew this was pointless. But he couldn't stop._

_Before he could even think he was forced back and pinned onto the floor. He should have cracked his head open on the carpet, but somehow didn't. Their faces were so close and he wanted to lean up, to feel those lips against his own, but he was light-headed and dizzy, and his vision was blurred, and his chest hurt. He gasped for air, but felt as if his lungs were riddled with holes, and he just couldn't get enough oxygen. _

_His body shook under the touch. Everywhere they met, his body felt like it was on fire, consumed, burning. It hurt. He knew better than to open is mouth now. Nothing could put this fire out. Spock was burning his bridges while Jim still stood on them, and Jim was going to go down with this, unwilling to abandon ship. _

"_Damn you." He whispered almost inaudibly, knowing that the Vulcan could hear him, even as he walked out the door leaving Jim lying on that floor with no will to move._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Message from Starship base, Captain." Uhura stated, turning in her seat. Jim sighed; he was just too tired to deal with their inane complaining today.

"What do they want, Uhura?"

"They are requesting a reason for our delay on M-113, sir. They have stated that we have special cargo to be delivered." Uhura repeated, her hand on the earpiece through which she was receiving the message.

"Tell them we have a crewman dead from an unknown ailment, and are meeting a strange lack of cooperation from Dr. Crater and his wife. If they continue to complain, tell them to shove it." Uhura couldn't help but chuckle at Jim's statement, although Jim himself was messaging his temples, his mind splitting headache a residual side effect of the dream he had the night before.

He fell back into his chair and received a message from Bones requesting him to go down to sickbay. He gave Sulu the conn before entering the turbolift to sickbay.

"What is it Bones?" Jim asked, his headache flaring a little in the bright lights.

"I found something strange." Bones replied, showing Jim the results of the most recent test. "He has no salt in his body."

"What does that mean?"

"It's medically _impossible_, Jim. That's what it means. There is no explanation for how this could have happened, but it sure as Hell wasn't _Borgia_ plant."

"Now that I think of it, both Dr. Crater and his wife went out of their way to mention something they needed…"

"Salt tablets." Bones answered in realization.

"I think we should have another talk with the two of them."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He collapsed back onto his bed, his body aching from the fight earlier today when he and Bones caught the creature from M-113 that killed three of his crewmen, Dr. Crater and nearly took his own life. It had been quite a fight, what with Bones nearly incapacitated by the creature's resemblance to his old flame, but Bones managed to do what had to be done.

Jim for an hour after, had to suffer the good doctor's hypo-happy treatment to the slight depletion of salt and the slightly fractured bones in his left arm and ribs. His fear of the doctor momentarily took his mind off of everything, but now that he was alone, he had nothing to stop the memories and guilt and regret from washing over him and pulling him under like a storm at sea.

It was hard for him to deal with these feelings, to sort them out. He didn't know what to do with them, and he knew that he would never have the chance to work them out, and they would just continue to build up inside him. One day, he feared, it would be too much.

All he knew, all he could hold onto, was that he _loved_ him. He still loved him, and he knew that he could never let go of that feeling. It took him all these years to finally fall in love and it ended up leaving him bruised and scared, vulnerable and confused. He rubbed his wrists lightly, still able to feel that vise-like grip that his lover had used on him. He could still feel the bones shifting as _he _tightened his grip.

He trembled slightly. He felt like he fell back in time. He could _see_ Spock hovering above him, those pitch dark eyes boring into his soul, threatening and angry and so _unlike_ all those other times he had looked at him.

That shore leave after the encounter with Nero, after nearly getting beaten to death by his first officer, nearly getting killed in his own various ways from his own recklessness, basically commandeering the _Enterprise_, was a god-given gift for him. It was during that shore leave he was going to be given the captaincy of the _Enterprise_, legally. It was during that shore leave he would finally feel like he could be worth what his father had been and what his mother expected him to be. It was during that shore leave he would start something that snowballed into something that eventually would come back and crush him. It was that shore leave when he would first sleep with his First Officer.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_Adrenaline still poisoned his blood and everything around just seemed like magic. The lights in the skyscrapers, towering far above him, reaching into the sky, those same lights reflecting in the pools of water gathered from the rain. He looked around with an entirely different view, having nearly killed himself to protect these buildings, these people, this _planet_. _

_He was vaguely aware of Bones and Scotty trailing somewhere behind him, lost in his reverie. It was only when that gruff voice of his best friend started yelling at him did he snap out of his trance._

"_Jim! Where the Hell are you going?" _

_Jim turned to face Bones and Scotty, a wide grin plastered on his face. He was just _loving_ being here in this city right now. _

"_Would you relax, Bones? We're in _San Francisco_. We just saved the fucking planet. Enjoy yourself a little!" Jim shouted enthusiastically, earning a laugh out of Scotty and a huff from Bones._

"_He's right, ya know, doctor. Ya need to stop your worryin'." Scotty said, nudging the doctor in the side._

"_That idiot is goin' to get us fuckin' lost." Bones said flailing his arms in Jim's direction, his slightly drunken state bringing out more of his Southern drawl. Jim just laughed walking forward. He tripped over himself and cracked up, unable to stop laughing. Soon, all three of them were hysterical in the middle of the street, too drunk to care, but not drunk enough to go home._

_They stumbled into the closest bar and had a few more drinks before Bones started to sound real funny and they decided they better head back before no one would be able to understand him. _

_When they arrived back at their rooms, Jim fumbled with the key to get in, Bones and Scotty trying to hold each other up as they made their way down the hallway. Jim was way too damn drunk to realize he should have been quiet. He didn't once think of the person who was in the room right next to his, who's hearing was so acute he probably could have heard a pin drop across a room. He didn't consider he might have been too loud, cursing at the door for not opening. He just didn't _care_. This was _his_ time. He needed to get all of his stress out. And if that meant coming home drunk and annoying, so be it._

"_Captain, do you acquire assistance?" A low voice asked, right at Jim's ear. The surprise had him jump a mile, his heart racing. _

"_Dammit, Spock." He slurred. "What the Hell are you doing?"_

"_I couldn't help but overhear your… predicament." Spock said, flatness in his voice, but Jim could have sworn there was a slight annoyance. Without asking again he took the card from Jim's hand and opened the door. _

"_Hey, what are you doing?" Jim's voice was deeper and more sensual than usual and it, accompanied with the hand on his shoulder, caused an almost unperceivable shiver to run down Spock's spine. Jim wouldn't have believed it had happened if he hadn't felt it._

"_I'm returning to my room, Captain, unless you require anything else."_

"_It's Jim. Call me Jim. We're not on the _Enterprise_." Jim's hand remained on his First Officer's shoulder. Some annoying voice in the back of his mind was reminding him of how much the Vulcan hated to be touched. He told that voice to shove it. Something else inside him told him he wanted _more_. _

"_Captain… Jim? Is something wrong?" Spock asked, a careful level of control on his voice, but that hand on his shoulder was really making it difficult to maintain._

_Jim wasn't listening to anything but that devious little voice in the back of his head._

_He started to close the distance between himself and his First Officer. Spock tried to back away, but backed into the doorjamb of Jim's room. Jim's lustful sapphire eyes locked on those space black eyes, and he saw the flare of emotion that reverberated through them when Spock realized he had nowhere to go: fear, panic, confusion, _longing_._

_Jim brought his hands up and cupped his First Officer's face as his lips pressed tentatively against Spock's. They were softer than he'd imagined, not anything like the cold stone he had always thought of as his First Officer. He took the bottom lip into his mouth, sucking softly, savoring the flavor, running his tongue along the soft flesh. He just tasted so _good_._

_He reluctantly released Spock's lip and pulled back a little to see that the very tips of the Vulcan's ears were tinged green and he couldn't help himself from licking the shell of his ear, taking the tip between his teeth, nipping ever so gently, just to see the shade of green deepen. He pressed his lips to Spock's forehead, amazed by the heat emanating from the contact. It washed over him, filled him, and he wanted more._

_His hands softly glided down Spock's sides, grabbing his hands softly in his own, weaving the long, lithe fingers with his own. Every time the tips of their fingers brushed, he heard a small gasp escape from Spock. Jim pulled Spock into his room, letting the automatic door shut behind them. _

_Crushing his lips back onto Spock's, he was surprised when he felt those lips react, that tongue, hot like fire, running along his bottom lip. The feel of Spock's tongue drew all the air out of his lungs, and he broke the kiss, trying to catch his breath. Those velvet lips pressed against his cheek, travelled along his jaw line, up to his ear. _

"_You reek of alcohol, Jim." Spock whispered softly in his ear, an innocent seduction. Jim nearly tripped over himself getting Spock to his bed._

_He needed him._

_Now._

_-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-_

_It was quiet. Save for the faint sounds of breathing and the heartbeat echoing in his ear, there was nothing, and he loved it. He had a horrible headache from the night before, and was so thankful that it was quiet, or else his head might just have split. _

_He could barely remember what had happened last night. He had flashes of memory, but nothing substantial. It was choppy. He remembered being in the street with Bones and Scotty laughing, he remembered stumbling into the hotel, he remembered being unable to open the damned door, and he remembered having sex. But all the details were lost. _

_Now that his mind was at work trying to remember, he started to wake up, and was suddenly aware that the heartbeat in his ear wasn't his own. It was far steadier, faster, and lower, it wasn't close to where his head rested, on the shoulder of whoever he had been with the previous night. His body was hot, he felt like he was overheating, but it was so inviting._

_Jim played his fingers gently against the ribcage of the person beneath him, feeling the smooth skin with no bruises, cuts or blemishes, unlike Jim, who, on a good day was mottled with bruises._

_Jim's heart nearly jumped out of his throat when he felt the body beneath him stir, and, at a loss, just pretended to be asleep, a habit he had retained from his childhood. He felt fingertips brush his temples and it sent a shockwave of images through his brain. The pictures were disjointed, rushed, and confused, but so undeniably _sexy_. He saw limbs entwined, bodies trying to be as close as possible, searching hands, eager lips, dark black eyes half shut._

_He snapped out of his fake sleep to come face to face with those black eyes._

_What was he going to do? He saw something in those eyes, those usually unexpressive eyes, and he was drowning in their endless depth. _

_Something stirred inside him, something warm, but no. He stifled it. He can't feel this way. He is not in love with his First Officer. His heart belonged to the _Enterprise_, his ship, his captaincy. They consumed all of him, and left nothing. There was nothing left in him to love or be loved in return. _

_In the moments after, Jim choked out the agreement that would eventually come back to slap him in the face. _

_-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-_

"_Jim." The deep voice whispered. It wavered slightly, something Jim could pick up. They had only been together for a few weeks, but already Jim could pick up all the falters, all the moments Spock opened himself up, ever so slightly, giving him a view of himself no one had ever seen. Jim knew why, and it twisted him inside._

"_The answer is no. It will always be no." He couldn't turn around to see what he had done, he couldn't bring himself to. He knew that, should he turn around, he would be able to see the heartbreak reflect in those space black eyes, darkening them. He would be able to see those eyes sparkle as tears welled up. He would be able to _see_ and that's why he couldn't. He was unsure of his feelings, but deep down, he knew he had handled this all wrong._

_He never would have guessed that those very words would kill him a few weeks later._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Kirk woke with a start at the sudden rock of the ship. He pulled his uniform on and raced to the bridge catching McCoy on his way.

"Bones! What the Hell is going on?" Jim asked, slightly out of breath from sprinting to the turbolift.

"I know about as much as you, Jim." Bones replied. "So far, no one has reported an injury." He informed, going into doctor mode.

"Thanks, Bones. Head back down to sickbay, I'll call if I need you." Bones nodded and vanished as Jim made the rest of the trip to the bridge, throwing himself into the command chair.

"Sulu, report." He demanded, full business mode. Jim was responsible for the well being of over four hundred people, as well as the flagship of the Federation, and he took his responsibility seriously. All other thoughts were pushed to the back burner.

"The missile is archaic, sir." Sulu reported, his eyes locked on the screen ahead of them.

"Chemically propelled, if ya could believe it." Scotty stated. "There is no significant damage to be reported, Captain."

"Anything on communications, Lieutenant Uhura?"

"No, sir. All bands clear." She stated, turning in her seat to stare at the screen.

"Course of the missile?" Jim asked the science officer. It took a conscious amount of effort not to call him Spock.

"It would appear that the Enterprise is the target."

Jim narrowed his eyes a little, and stared up at the viewer. He stood up from his seat. He would be damned if he let anything happen to the _Enterprise _or anyone on her.

"Prepare phaser banks one and two, Mr. Sulu."

"Aye, sir."

"Mr. Chekov, get a fix on the missile's point of origin."

"Aye, Captain."

"Phasers one and two locked in and ready." Sulu stated, his fingers directly over the controls, awaiting orders. Jim stood, still staring ahead at whatever it was that had fired on them.

"Fire phasers." He watched as the phasers destroyed the next volley of missiles that had been heading their way. Nothing else seemed to be coming, so he relaxed a little, but was still on edge. "Mr. Chekov, alter course to the missile's point of origin." He barely registered Chekov's response. "Warp factor three, Mr. Sulu."

"Warp factor three, sir."

Jim settled back into his chair, his gaze not breaking from that screen. Everything was a blur, adrenaline and danger filling him, drowning everything out. As they got close to the target, the bridge crew noticed that their captain was acting more like his usual self.

"Analysis," Jim called to the science officer as an asteroid appeared on screen.

"Asteroid, 200 miles in diameter."

"Confirm Chekov's coordinates."

"Confirmed, sir."

"What is with this asteroid? Confirmed location of the missile's origin?"

"Yes, sir. The asteroid appears to be of normal composition, but has no orbit."

"Are you saying this thing is just doing whatever the Hell it wants?" Jim asked, slightly amused. His kind of asteroid. "How is that possible?"

"Unless it's powered…" Jim cut off his science officer.

"A spaceship." He mused. "Source of power?"

"Atomic."

"Chekov, plot course of this asteroid." Jim stated, starting to be vaguely intrigued by the asteroid. Still, despite all the commotion, his guilt and sorrow tugged on the very outer edges, each day becoming harder to suppress, even in moments like these.

"Asteroid has an outer shell, which is hollow. It surrounds an independent inner core, which has a breathable atmosphere. Sensors read no life forms. It must be on automatic controls, meaning everyone inside must have died." The science officer informed. There was sadness in his voice. Jim tried to eliminate that emotion in his mind, trying to pretend that the man he was addressing was _his_ science officer, _his _First Officer, _his_ _Spock_.

"Captain, Course of asteroid 241 mark 17." Chekov stated, slightly daunted.

"So this unmanned asteroid spaceship thing is on a crash course with Daran Five?" He turned in his seat, looking for Spock, but seeing another in his place. "Inhabited?"

"Population approximately 3 billion, 724 million." The science officer replied, reading off the computer screen. Jim briefly wondered if Spock would have just _known_ that.

"Estimated time of impact-- 396 days." Chekov reported.

"Mr. Sulu, match Enterprise speed with that of the asteroid vessel." Jim ordered before announcing that he and the science officer were beaming down onto the ship to investigate.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

His muscles were still tense from the excitement of the day. It had been a while since something happened that was far from routine. Jim reveled in the events that had occurred, the strange Oracle, those man's words that still haunted him: _For the world is hollow, and l... have touched the sky._

Those words swirled around inside him. He knew he felt the same as that man, for he too, the world is hollow.

He thought briefly of the colony, wondered what if would feel like to stand on that hot planet, how the dry wind would feel against his cheeks, the sand whipping him in the face. He wondered how it _felt_ to be there, with new life sprouting up around all of them, a society almost extinct flourishing from ashes, a phoenix in real life. He knew as long as there was a will to survive, a race couldn't just go extinct. Every day there was love, there were arguments, happiness, even if they were Vulcan.

Love. His mind stopped roaming over that planet, stopping at a house that could only belong to the man who lived in his thoughts. What if he had met a Vulcan woman there on that colony, at the urging of his father, and they were bonded now in that mysterious ceremony Jim had asked about one of those times after they had been together. Could he be happy for him?

Could that love Jim harbored inside let him let Spock go?

No.

It couldn't, and Jim was trapped, and it was his fault.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He couldn't believe it.

He threw his bag into his hotel room, uncaring where it had landed. He sighed heavily, looking around the room. He kicked the leg of the chair sitting at the table, cracking it and sending the piece of furniture across the room.

After all these years, they gave him the same god damned room. It still looked the same, and is ripped him open. The scratches on the door were still there from that night he came home so drunk he couldn't get the door to open. The headboard was still slightly splintered from when Spock had cracked it from holding it so tight.

He fell to the floor and swore, lying in that same spot he had been that day he and Spock separated. God, had it already been _five years_?

Jim groaned, pushing the butts of his palms into his eye sockets. He was _thirty_.

Those had been the longest years of his life. Everyday he tried to act normal, and every night he had terrible dreams. In his dreams, he would see Spock, he would remember everything that happened. He would thrash in his sleep every time he remembered seeing how much the Vulcan loved him, the pieces of himself that he surrendered, and all Jim did was take indiscriminately. He took too much and now the pieces filled him, jagged edges cutting him open because he had no way to piece them together. Sometimes he would dream of the colony, of Spock with a normal life, an emotionless life, a safe life, with a wife, a child, and unyielding logic. He would wake up screaming and felt a part of him wither away every time he thought about Spock loving someone who wasn't him. By the middle of the mission, he had Bones put him on sleeping medication, but those only helped a little.

Jim sat up, looking out the window, seeing San Francisco stretch out before him. He tried to see it as he had five years ago, he tried to see the magic in it, but it was blank, dark and empty.

There was a knock on the door. He knew it would be Bones coming by to check on him, especially after the commotion with the chair, but he ignored it. He didn't want to deal with anything right now. This room just hurt too much.

_Override_.

The room announced as the automatic door slid open. Damn you, Bones.

"Jim, get up off the floor."

"God, I can't." Jim said weakly. He felt like he was being pinned down. He felt his friend's hands grab him and carry him over to the bed, throwing him on it. A rush of air escaped him as he fell onto the mattress, the wind getting knocked out of him. "I can always count on you to be gentle." Jim said, laughing a little.

"Jim, what the Hell did you do to the chair?" Bones asked incredulous, picking up one of the pieces. "Jesus."

Jim just laughed lightly to himself. He didn't know what had happened to the chair after he had kicked it, he just knew it sailed across the room.

"Are you feeling alright?" Bones asked. "You know, I think this was the room you were in when we were here on shore leave all those years ago." He reminisced. "Wasn't the elf next door to you?" Bones asked, although he didn't expect an answer. The pensive face on his friend assured him that he wasn't going to get one. "All the nights we came home drunk, you would have thought he would have moved. Green-blooded hobgoblin and his _delicate sensitivities._"

Bones took one look at his friend and saw the tears in his eyes. Jim was just lying on his back, staring blankly at the ceiling. Bones never would have imagined he'd see the cocky, brash captain of the _USS-Enterprise _with tears in his eyes. Jim had always tried to hide his sorrow, even from his best friend, and even though Bones had never seen him cry before, he always knew that Jim was broken inside.

The good doctor sat on the edge of the bed, placing a hand on Jim's shoulder as the first tear slid from the corner of his eye.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jim had agreed to go out that night. Bones said that he "owed him for crying on his shoulder for an hour and a half." The comment made Jim laugh. He always depended on Bones to help him, even if Bones didn't know it.

Scotty was there, almost guaranteeing that the evening was going to get feisty. Uhura decided to go last minute, as well as Chekov and Sulu. Jim tried to put himself in his best spirits, but decided not to get drunk that night. Well, not as drunk as he would have given the same chance five years ago.

He never knew Uhura could dance, he knew she could sing, he had heard her a few times at her communications console singing softly to break the monotonous silence that flooded the bridge in the few times something wasn't happening. She was quite the attractive woman. He remembered hitting on her years ago, long before he had joined the Academy, drunk as Hell, but god, in that lighting she just looked _so gorgeous_.

He laughed when Sulu's jaw dropped. Scotty and Bones were leaning against each other at the bar, having a conversation in their own private world, laughing when one or the other fell off the barstool. Chekov was face planted onto the countertop of the bar, waiting on another shot of vodka.

Jim was having a good time in spite of being ridiculously sober, having fun watching his close friends.

It was six in the morning when they left the bar, leaving only because the owner kicked them out. Scotty, Bones and Chekov were gone, so Jim, Sulu and Uhura had to help them walk back to the hotel, laughing the whole way there.

The large doors of the hotel opening before them, they walked in, still stumbling over each other. Jim couldn't help but chuckle when Bones' thick Southern drawl fell from his lips, informing Jim that he was going to be sick. Scotty was humming some sort of Scottish folk song, while Chekov was mumbling about Scotland being invented by Russia. Uhura and Sulu were carrying on their own conversation, laughing and flirting, Jim noticed. He smiled inwardly.

The lobby was mostly quiet, with the exception of the six of them and one man, dressed rather somberly, arguing with the clerk at the concierge desk.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not allowed to release that information." The clerk stated, exasperated. He had obviously been arguing with this person for a while. But for how long? It was barely seven o'clock in the morning. "I'm not allowed to give out information about the captains of starships, sir. If you wish to contact him, I suggest you first contact Starfleet."

Jim listened into the conversation, intrigued. He was certain that there weren't many captains on shore leave. Now that he thought of it, he was the only captain here. He wanted to see who needed and him for what, since they didn't seem to be from Starfleet, but he was preoccupied with getting his drunken friend up to his room before he passed out.

They were getting farther from the front desk, but when he heard the other man's voice, he could have sworn he knew who it was.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jim was sitting in the large padded chair by the window, staring out across San Francisco when there was a knock on the door.

"Coming." He called. He got up slowly, still a little tired from half carrying Bones from the bar to his room. The muscles in his body were slightly sore. He wondered if Bones was up, which he thought unlikely since it had only been an hour since he passed out on his bed. Jim laughed a little as he remembered the look on Bones' face when he fell asleep, mouth slightly open, drooling out of one corner of his mouth. His face fell when he opened the door.

"What…?"

"Hello, Jim. It's been a while."

Jim just stepped aside to let the Vulcan in, mouth slightly agape. He was amazed; he had barely changed, seemingly untouched by the sands of time. Spock took a seat at the table, joined shortly after by an absolutely confused Jim.

"I have already seen the others, because I wanted to talk to you last." Spock stated, his voice _colder_ than Jim had ever heard it. Jim searched the eyes of the man sitting across from him. They were glassy, black as the darkest reaches of space, empty, menacing. Jim's heart sped up.

"Talk to me about what?" In spite of everything, there was a light of hope, although barely keeping itself alive, flickering in Jim's chest.

"I am giving my final farewells before I continue to complete _Kolinahr_."

"What?" Jim asked, anger bubbling up inside him at the extinguishing of that small hope inside. He was falling, grabbing at everything, trying to save himself, but he was weary from fighting the inevitable for so long. He thought he was dying.

"_Kolinahr_. It's a ritual to purge me of every emotion I have left." The calculated voice was ripping Jim up. "Before I complete the ritual, I was given a ten day period of leave to meet with as many of my lifetime friends as possible in order to bring closure to their memories. I am giving you this last chance to say anything, before I finish the ritual. I have no where else to go after I talk with you."

Jim felt like his lungs collapsed in on themselves, his heart felt like it was straining to pump his blood, his muscles all tensed painfully. He was scared and angry and bleeding and vulnerable and heartbroken and he wanted it all to end. He had always just anticipated never seeing him again, having to hold on to what they had shared, and what Spock had felt for him before he ruined it all. It hurt worse than anything to hear that Spock was going to just give it all up to leave Jim absolutely alone with this pain.

He couldn't say anything, he stood up violently, throwing the chair back. This was going wrong. He didn't want to be angry, but his anger was defending the weaker, dying parts of him from more pain. He backed away from the table, falling backwards over the chair that had fallen. He didn't try to stop his fall. An angry voice in his mind told him that giving up was pointless. He was _James Tiberius Kirk_ and _he _didn't give up. All those five years, that voice kept him grounded, kept him sane, because that voice inadvertently gave him that flicker of hope. Now, he knew that voice betrayed him, and he told it to shove it.

Where he had fallen all those years ago, he fell again, this time slamming his head on the floor, and everything melted into itself, colors bled, and everything got hot and cold at the same time. He couldn't hear anything but that voice that told him he was throwing too much away. But he couldn't hold on when there was nothing to hold onto. His hope gone, Jim was just left grasping at nothing and emptiness could not stop a fall. It encouraged it.

He should have been scared.

But he wasn't.

He could feel tears falling.

He let go.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Damn that pointy-eared bastard!"

"Quiet, doctor. _Please_."

"Aye, Bones, ya need to calm down a little, ya don't need to startle the captain awake."

"I'll be as god damn mad as I _please_, Mr. Scott. If that green-blooded prick hadn't shown up, we wouldn't _be_ here. We wouldn't be fawning over these machines wondering if Jim's _brain function _will return to normal. God dammit, don't tell me to calm down!"

Jim tried to sit up, but he couldn't feel any part of his body. He felt trapped inside himself. His eyelids flickered as he attempted to open them. To him, they felt like they weighed a ton, but he managed to open them, only to be met with the harsh fluorescent lights of a hospital room.

"Bones!" He heard Scotty call. The sound came from the right, but he was out of his peripheral vision and Jim couldn't move his head. He was aware of the brace on his neck in that moment.

"What?" The good doctor screamed, anger boiling over in his voice. "_Damn_! Jim, you're awake!" His friend cried, suddenly appearing in his line of vision. Jim's eyes were still blurry, but he knew it was Bones who grabbed his hand, being able to feel the warmth that encased it. "God, we were all so worried about you."

Jim's throat hurt as he tried to speak.

"Where… am I, Bones?" His voice was raspy from being unused. How long had it been since he spoke? How long has it been since that meeting?

"You're in the hospital, Jim. You've been here for about three weeks." A wave of complete horror washed over him. By now, Spock had probably purged Jim from his soul or _katra_ or whatever the word was. By now, he was completely alone on the other side of unrequited love, boxed in, and he would never be able to absolve his pain. It was now a permanent part of him, and god it hurt so much.

"Where is he…?" Jim asked, unsure if he truly wanted an answer. He wasn't sure if he would be able to take the truth.

"Who, Jim?" Bones asked, his voice significantly softer than it had been only moments before. Jim couldn't get the word out. The thought of him made his head spin and ache, made his heart stop. He silence was Bones' answer. "How could you possibly still _care_?!" Bones shouted, his protectiveness for Jim released as anger, anger whose provocation was absent. "When I found you, I thought he had killed you for real. He came and got me, informing me about what had happened, but god, I thought he had killed you." Bones squeezed Jim's hand tightly. "You have to let him go. You'll kill yourself if you carry on this way."

"God, Bones. I can't let him go. I can't. It's what I deserve for how I treated him. I can't let him go. It will kill me." Jim rambled, sadness overtaking him. "He's let me go. He left me stuck here. I can't move forward now. I love him. I love him, and I can't let him go."

Everyone's eyes fell on him. Uhura had tears in her eyes. Scotty, lowered his face, afraid to have anyone see how upset he was getting. Chekov was just short of bawling, and Sulu couldn't stop fidgeting. Every single person in that room wanted to help, but they knew they couldn't. They knew why their captain was stuck. They knew exactly what the ritual Spock went through meant for Jim; an end, a terrible, abrupt end that could never heal.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jim was released from the hospital a few days after that moment. Everyone kept a close eye on Jim, afraid for him, after what he had said, and what they knew. Jim attitude started to improve, maybe even if only because under constant scrutiny he had no other choice. He loved being with everyone, and relished in their company. He was afraid to be alone.

Upon their return, Bones invited him to share his room so that Jim wouldn't have to return to that room. Any time there was a knock on the door, Jim stiffened. Everything threatened a memory.

Everyone walked on eggshells around him, and although he appreciated their caring and concern, he wanted them to treat him as something other than fragile glass. He was still the god damn captain of the _Enterprise_, broken heart or not. He was still tough as nails when he needed to be. If he had learned anything from Spock, it was how to compartmentalize his emotions. He buried his sadness when he needed to; it always hurt worse in the end, but he knew it had to be done. If his captaincy were taken away from him as well he would just give in.

He was just sitting in his and Bones' shared room when suddenly his mind was flooded with memories, as if someone had pressed a play button inside his head. He flashed through that moment when he first kissed Spock, relived all their sexual encounters, all the conversations, but these were not his own memories. They weren't from his perspective. Every memory belonged to someone else, their own feelings coloring the events that he saw now. He felt an overwhelming joy in that moment when they first kissed, a longing, a burning desire. He felt sorrow in the moments afterward when he was told of their agreement, that they would not fall in love, that this would only continue until they found other lovers. He was reliving those moments from Spock's point of view. He was suddenly aware of how much the other man loved him, how much Jim hurt him every time he rejected Spock's feelings and his own. Jim had been too scared to admit what he was feeling, and he took out his insecurity on the only person who could help him.

As he relived those moments, he felt as if they were being drawn out of him, removed from him. He felt them leave him just like they came, in flashes. Then suddenly a searing hot pain ran through his brain, as if something reached in and was trying to _remove_ something from him. He didn't know what he was holding onto, but he would be damned if he let go, and held onto it with everything he had.

The tugging continued in the edges of his mind, a little more forceful than it had been moments before, is if whatever was torturing him was trying to remove a stubborn weed. Jim still held on. He was crying and screaming, trying to fore out the intruder that was trying to steal something from him he never even knew he had. Jim was scared. He didn't want to lose anything else that he had. He had been able to keep so little from his time with Spock, he wouldn't let this strange force take more away from him, leaving him barren and alone.

He felt the force give up. Jim was nothing if he wasn't stubborn. It was what defined him.

He felt oddly happy that he had won this battle.

But the war was far from over.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

For days after that strange attack, it continued. Every day, it got a little bit harder to bear, but the sense of loss that he felt as he started to concede to the forceful tearing inside his mind was enough incentive to keep Jim holding on. And every time he won, he became a little bit stronger, which helped when the force returned tenfold, ripping and tearing at him, but never getting what it wanted.

One day, it stopped.

Jim woke up in the morning was shocked when his mind was left alone, when the scary looming presence of someone else inside his head was missing. The day seemed infinitely brighter and he agreed to join his friends out for another day in town.

This shore leave was becoming less and less of a therapy trip for Jim and more of the vacation everyone had expected it to be. They only had about another month before they were off to battle more strange illnesses and creatures and come face to face with horrors and beauties never before seen as they travelled farther and farther out.

For the first time since the incident that landed him in the hospital, Jim felt honestly happy. They went out to eat at this restaurant and explored the stores and local cultures. Bones found this old bookstore and spend half a month's paycheck on old paper books and _Grey's Anatomy_'s. Sulu was particularly intrigued with a store that sold various fencing swords, while Scotty was taken aback by a store that was definitely black market, but had pieces he could use to modify the _Enterprise_. Uhura and Chekov disappeared as well, leaving Jim alone to admire the water of the ocean as it lapped against the shore.

He remembered one conversation with Spock about the ocean, something Spock had never seen. Jim had tried to explain to him the beauty of the ocean, the cold water running up onto the hot sand, the sounds, the smell of the breeze, the way the water looked in a sunset. It was one of their more romantic moments together, Jim realized, and something inside him warmed to the memory.

Dark, heavy clouds rolled in and it started to rain. Jim closed his eyes, letting his head fall back, water filling the hollows around his eyes, wash over his face, and as the water fell he felt something warm flow into him, and his pain melted away in that moment. He never wanted to let this go. He never wanted to lose this moment.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, but he didn't want to acknowledge it. He didn't want to be brought back to reality, to his pain.

He kept his eyes shut tight as he was turned around. He felt hands on his face. He was shivering from the rain seeping in through his clothes and the heat pouring into him from that contact warmed him and brought life into him. Soft fingertips traced the lines of his face, stopping in a position he was familiar with, but wasn't sure why.

He was expecting something, but nothing happened. He opened his eyes and gasped.

Before him stood Spock, his face softer than he could ever recall, his hair longer, more unkempt, probably from all those years in the desert, his eyes full of emotion, not closed and menacing. Those eyes were searching for something, for acceptance. Jim whispered 'yes,' unsure of what he was acquiescing to.

Suddenly the places where those delicate fingertips touched his face tingled, and emotion and electricity wrapped around his mind, filling in all the spaces, fitting perfectly, soothing the fractured edges, taking the pieces inside him and working them back together into a whole. The feeling of someone else inside his head should have felt strange and frightening, but it was all reminiscent of that moment of Delta Vega.

Everything inside him seemed to fall back into place, and he leaned into the touch. Suddenly he was alone inside his head and his eyes snapped open, looking for something, anything, that could assure him it had been real.

He latched onto the wrists of the hands that had been on his face. They were too strong for him to retain, but he had to try.

"You really are quite stubborn, Captain."

"God, it's _Jim._" He mumbled, falling to his knees. He just felt so spent. He couldn't take another blow, he was falling apart. The rain was still pouring, and Jim was sinking into the wet sand. He wondered if it would just engulf him, swallow him whole.

He was pulled tightly against a warm chest, and he wasn't aware of how his body was convulsing until he was confined in an embrace. His hands grabbed for anything, and he held on for dear life.

"Jim." The voice was soft, right in his ear. The warm wash of breath over his ear was comforting, an anchor to prove that this was really happening. He held tighter.

"Why are you here?" He asked, slightly muffled. "I thought you were trying to forget me."

"I couldn't." The voice whispered. "You wouldn't let me."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"I'm surprised you didn't contract pneumonia! What kind of _idiot_ purposely stands out in the rain?" Bones shouted, frustrated with his best friend. "God, if I didn't know you better…" He trailed off.

Jim just laughed. His nose was starting to run again, and his laughing caused him to cough.

"Serves you right." Bones jeered. "And quit that god damned sniffling. You're driving me nuts!"

"Is that anyway to address your ailing captain, doctor?" Jim asked, feigning distress.

"When he's as stupid as you, _yes_."

"I'm hurt."

"Yeah? Good for you."

"How are you feeling, sir?" Uhura asked, stepping into the room. Jim smiled up at her.

"Good. I'd feel better if Bones wasn't mistreating me." He joked. Uhura's face brightened into a smile.

"It's good to see you this way." She said kindly. "It's so much better than how you've been. If I had to endure another long mission with Mr. Mope, I think I would have had to _cry_."

"Your concern is appreciated." Jim laughed.

There was a knock at the door, and before anyone even got close to answering it, Scotty burst in, huge smile on his face.

"Nice to see ya finally awake, Jim." He said. "Still have a fever?" He asked, half addressing Jim, half the doctor.

"Yeah. _No _alcohol." Bones shouted, lightly unnerved. "You all are terrible influences. He'll never get better at this rate." Bones said, sighing in frustration, earning a laugh from Mr. Scott. Thinking about his fever, Jim was aware of how unusually warm he was. He was bundled in blankets up to his neck, but he could swear long, thin arms were cradling him against a chest that felt like fire.

"Starve a cold, feed a fever, as they say." A beautiful voice whispered into his ear, answering a question he wasn't sure he had asked. He settled back into the embrace, watching Scotty and Bones discuss the proper way to treat Jim's cold.

"Well I say we drown it out of him." Scotty suggested.

"_What_? Are you joking? Who's the doctor, here?"

"Well, it 's true. I'm an engineer, not a doctor." Scotty's stab at one of Bones' most used phrases erupted into a cockfight that had everyone laughing. Bones and Scotty weren't really fighting, it was just one of those pride things.

His attention focused on his two friends, Jim nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt lips on the shell of his ear. The hands splayed on his chest kept him from visibly moving, but his heart felt like it almost burst from his chest. It's been so long since he had felt anything as tender and innocent as that kiss. He never knew how much he missed it.

Jim turned his head to the side, earning a soft kiss on his cheek. He tried to turn himself around, but was prevented by strong hands holding him in place.

"You need to recover."

"Well then stop _tempting_ me." Jim answered breathlessly, falling back against his Vulcan. "I'm just so raw. I haven't been with anyone since that day." Jim admitted.

"You? Captain James Kirk? With your reputation?" Spock joked, although he knew the gravity buried underneath it all. Jim laughed, but Spock knew it was strained.

"Yeah. Me." The joking in his voice slipped away. "I blamed myself for everything." He started. Spock tried to get him to stop, but Jim wouldn't listen. "It was my fault. I denied it because _I _was _afraid_. I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't cheat my way out of it. I felt trapped and panicked, and I ended up taking it all out on you, and I'm sorry."

"You are not the only one who should apologize." Spock said, his lips right at Jim's ear. "Our last meeting before you departed for the five year mission ended very harshly and that was my fault. I was bitter. I was angry. I thought if I hated you, it would be better. I had never felt so many things all at once before I had met you, and in spite of how much I loved you, I just couldn't deal with all the emotion. It was just so against everything I had ever been trained to believe. I couldn't control myself around you, and that was dangerous." The man behind him took in a deep breath; Jim felt the hot chest expand against his back and it sent a shiver down his spine. "I thought it would be safer to leave. I couldn't trust the way you felt about me, and logically, I concluded that my absence would prove optimal. I never would have imagined you were so sincere with your feelings, as much as I wanted to believe in them." Jim's fingers traced light patterns on the hands on his stomach. If he hadn't been so afraid, five years of their lives wouldn't have been _wasted_. "I wouldn't say 'wasted.'" Spock replied, his voice pensive.

"How are you answering me?" Jim asked, mystified. "I know that I didn't say that out loud."

"Remember a few days ago, those headaches?"

"Yes. What does that have to do with this?"

"When you melded with the Ambassador, he opened a bridge between the two of you, the two of _us_, and it deepened every time we were together, unconsciously growing, feeding off of us, connecting us. It was a bond between us. Those headaches were me. I was trying to disconnect us, to free you from what I had accidentally built, but you held on, stubborn as always. When you wouldn't let go, I knew I had to see you. I knew that everything could still be mended. That's when I found you on the beach."

"So, you're _inside_ my head?"

"Not necessarily. I can hear some things you think when we touch, like now." He whispered, holding onto Jim's hands possessively, lovingly.

"Right, Jim?" Bones shouted suddenly.

"What? Sorry. Were you talking to me?" Jim asked, looking around at the people in the room. He had forgotten that they were all still there. The utterly annoyed look on Bones' face cracked him up, and it wasn't long before Scotty joined in.

"What?" Bones asked, looking around seeing everyone laughing. "What the Hell?!" He threw his hands up into the air. "You're on your own Jim. Good luck getting better."

"Oh, Bones, lighten up." Jim pleaded, jokingly, wide smile still on his face. "We're just having a little fun. You're always poking fun at me, so suck it up and take your turn."

Bones glared at Jim, but his looked softened in defeat.

"Whatever." The good doctor mumbled. Scotty slapped Bones on the shoulder.

"Aye, there ya go."

Jim snorted when Bones jumped at the sudden contact. Even Uhura giggled a little.

"Damn you all." Bones said, but didn't go anywhere; he just flopped into a chair.

"Good ol' Bones." Jim said.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was quiet once everyone had left. Jim was still cradled against Spock, who was sitting up with his back pressed to the headboard. Both men were silent, and Jim was content to just listen to the sounds of their breathing.

But he was notorious for causing a ruckus, and silent had never been Jim's forte.

Taking advantage of the far more lax grip on his body, Jim turned himself over, straddling Spock, looking into those dark eyes, lightened by surprise.

"I have never been able to predict you." He said, the tiniest bit of a smile tugging up the corners of his lips.

"It keeps things interesting." Jim whispered in response, voice slightly deeper from the irritation caused by his cough. He leaned in to kiss his Vulcan, but one of those hot hands gently covered his mouth and pushed him back.

"I do not know what you have caught, and I have no intention of getting sick." Spock informed, replying to the muffled protest that tickled his palm. The Vulcan knew Jim wanted more than just sex, he wanted something. Five years of uncertainty and guilt and unrequited love and longing had left them both straining for something, anything. Spock placed his fingers on the meld points on Jim's face, but again, was hesitant. "What I can give you now is far more intimate than anything you have ever experienced. It will give me access to everything that is you, and you everything that is me. It will fortify the weak bridge between us, forming a stronger bond that is far more open."

Jim was breathless, leaning into the fingertips on his face.

"Then what are you waiting for?" His voice was desperate. He needed something. He needed _Spock_.

"It's permanent, this bond. It will exist between us forever, even after one of us has passed away. I'm not sure if you're aware, but Vulcans mate for life. Something I'm hesitant to force you into. If you should ever change your mind afterwards, there would be nothing I could do to break it."

"Never." Jim whispered. "I could… would _never_ change my mind. God, if I didn't love you this much, do you think I would have been celibate for five years simply because I _prayed_ deep down that something like this could have happened?" He breathed, his voice and body trembling. He leaned forward, out of Spock's touch and planted a soft kiss on the other man's forehead. "God, _I love you_. I'd do anything to keep you here with me, and if that means trapping _you_ in this bond, then I'll do it. I don't want to ever watch you leave me again."

"Being bonded to you forever would never feel like I was being trapped."

"Then what are you waiting for?" Jim asked, his lips brushing against Spock's forehead. He was barely aware of what had happened when he felt that warmth wrap around his brain, but this time, he felt as if his mind was embracing Spock's at the same time. He felt their consciousnesses wrap around each other become one. The comfort and love and assurance that grew inside him was far better than anything before. He was aware of how he felt, but he also knew how Spock felt, and that knowledge that was beautiful. Knowing that he was loved unconditionally, that he had a place, loving with everything that he was, they both felt that, simultaneously. Tears were falling, but Jim was unsure who was crying. It didn't matter, because the tears were being brushed away and they were comforted in each other's presence. There was a knock on the door.

_No._ Jim cried in his head.

_Don't worry. I am still here._ Spock soothed, his deep voice echoing inside of Jim.

Bones walked in without an answer.

"What the Hell are you two doing? You're still sick Jim, and I'll be damned if you pass that fever on." Jim, turned himself around, leaning back against Spock and smiled widely at Bones.

"Always pleasant." He said, laughing. "I wasn't doing anything. Honest!" He said, feigning innocence, holding his right hand up.

"Don't give me that." Bones said, quickly analyzing Jim. "Seem to be recovering, but if you don't rest and take it easy, so help me I _will_ separate you so you can avoid the temptation."

"I promise I'll be good." Jim said with a childish tone.

_Hardly believable._ Spock stated, Jim scoffed.

"I promise you that nothing will happen." Spock stated coolly.

"Now _that's _a promise I can believe, God knows you green-blooded elves can't lie." Bones stated, a joke in his voice. The good doctor was finally relaxing Spock back into his acceptance. Bones was, and still is, reluctant, but if Jim could be this happy, than something good must be happening. "I'm going to get out of here before you scar me for life." Bones joked, placing his hand on Jim's shoulder. "I'll see you later." He said before leaving.

"I know you promised to keep me in check, but…" Jim trailed off suggestively, pressing his lips to Spock's. He ran his tongue along the bottom lip, savoring its heat, the velvet smoothness, the taste.

_Don't make me a liar, Jim._

_God, it is so overwhelming to hear you inside my head._ Jim replied, still kissing Spock, and despite the Vulcan's protests, he was kissing back.

_No. I am not going to risk your health._

_God, _please_? Just this once? I'm not going to die._

Spock just pushed Jim back. There was the hint of a devious smile on his thin lips.

"God, you are _evil_." Jim joked, quickly kissing Spock before he could be thwarted. "Suit yourself." Jim stated, falling back against Spock and trying his best to ignore his bondmate. He was shocked at hearing that word in his head, but he relished in the feeling that it washed over him. He wasn't even scared that he was now technically married. He loved this all too much.

_Jim._ Spock pleaded across their bond. Jim was just going to be stubborn now. _Jim_. No response. _T'hy'la._

_Call me that again. _Jim begged, the word filling him up completely.

_T'hy'la._

_What does it mean?_ He asked, resting his hands on those of his lover.

_It means friend, brother and lover. It is an exclusive word in my culture. _

_It's beautiful. I love you, Spock._

_Taluhk nash-veh k'dular._

Jim smiled, and melted into the touch of his bondmate's hands, knowing exactly what those words meant.

_I love you. I love you_. He whispered again and again. He held those words in for five years, and he could no longer stop himself from saying them. He was soothed into sleep by gentle waves of love over their bond.

If he never had to end this moment, he would be happy.

But they both had their duties.

What would he do during the next mission?

Jim was vaguely aware of those feelings of anxiety travelling to his bondmate before he fell asleep.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Jim, stalling isn't getting us anywhere." Bones stated, a little annoyed. He hated space, that's for damn sure, but he was really beginning to realize how much he hated Jim running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

"I know, I know, Bones. But I haven't seen Spock all day, and I haven't been able to reach him." Jim's voice was just a level below frenzy. He had felt slightly shut out from their bond, and Spock hadn't responded to any of Jim's entreaties with words, but with calming emotions.

"I know, Jim. But we can only wait so long before we'll get our asses handed to us."

"Aye, Captain. We've been stallin' for about a half an hour." Even Scotty was beginning to see this as a lost cause, and he had more than his fair share of "lost cause" situations he didn't give up on down in Engineering.

Jim ceded, sending out one last message before followed Bones, Scotty and his other senior officers back onto the _Enterprise._

Flopping into the command chair, Jim shivered. He was a little scared.

"Report, Mr. Sulu?"

"Everything is in working order, sir. We are prepared to leave orbit when you give the order."

"Uhura. Any communications?"

"No, sir."

"Alright, Mr. Sulu. Take her out of orbit."

"Yes, Captain."

"Captain, may I speak with you?" A voice asked. Jim turned to see Spock standing behind him, dressed in full uniform. "I have requested to rejoin the _Enterprise_, and have been accepted."

"Can you stay here?" Jim asked, phrasing his question stupidly. "Can you be my First Officer again?"

"If you wish."

"Of course I do."

_Then you must promise to keep your mind focused. We can't both be here if you're going to distract us with your complete lack of mental control._

"I'll give you mental control." Jim stated gruffly, watching Spock return to the post he should have manned those five years. Jim glanced over to see him, eyes tracing the lines of his body.

_Jim_.

_Sorry. It slipped._

_Should I leave the bridge?_

_Hell no._

_Then control yourself._

Jim just laughed.

"Warp four, Mr. Sulu."

Now he had everything he needed, for before, the world was hollow.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

AN: So, this was much longer than I had ever expected it to be. I also changed the titled about four times before I decided on this one. This title had to be one of my favorite titles from any Star Trek TOS season. That scene where those words were uttered really stuck in my memory, and they sort of provoked this piece.

Thank you all for reading!


End file.
